The World Baseball Classic may not be as exciting as the World Series and team Japan is definetly not as exciting as our own WFC, but that certainly did not stop me from watching our homies Shane Victorino and Jimmy Rollins light it up on a world stage.
Did Victorino think the WBC would help prepare him for the regular season?
No Questions Asked.
No. Questions. Asked. These reporters just don’t get it. How many times does he have to tell them? NQA.
So how did your players fair on the world stage? Did they serve your team proud? Hopefully thats a NQA. Is A-Rod still a douche? Thats an emphatic NQA.
Thanks to our friend, Jimmy K for putting the stats together.
The Teams. There's no "I" in Cucumber Melon.
Whoa that graph is 3d, kinda.Nothing special, just average.
25lbs Rib Eye steaks I eat.
Wait, there are errands in baseball?
Eww, Raunchy Assrape. ERA, shame on you whoever is leading this category.
You're Fucking Out.
One week away from opening day, I hope everyone is getting excited and getting their team ready. And remember, I don’t want to hear anyone asking Victorino anymore questions, he’s obviously sick of it.
When it comes to baseball there are some players that might actually look better if they got beat by an ugly stick. What with guys packing their lips and sticking needles in their asses, I’m surprised there are any players in the league as dreamy as Chase Utley.
sigh...
Some players just got the look, while users… don’t. Those of you with lasik surgery better hope you got it done in Guatemala by a cheap tranny hooker named Dr. Lovemeat because your vision will soon fail and you’ll be lucky enough to miss the carnage that is to follow.
And now, with no further ado, I present to you, in no particular order, a completely non-comprehensive list of Baseball’s ugliest of uglies.
1)Bartolo Colon
Good old Bart started his career 12 years ago with the Cleveland Indians and bounced around through the seasons eventually ending last year on the Boston OMG who the hell put bleach in the wash now we have Pink Sox.
I bet a blond cartoon girl has a crush on him but is mean to his face and calls him basketball head
Weighing in at a hefty 245lbs, Bartolo bears a striking resemblance to his older cousin, Andre The Giant.
Likes to help guys named Wesley who also go by the name of the Dread Pirate Roberts.
I would not want to mess with that family.
2.) Randy “The Unit” Johnson
You can’t have a list of Baseball fugglies without including The Unit. His hillbilly mullet, red neck and severly acne scared face combined with his 6’10″ lanky spaghetti canon arms is enough to make even the most hardened of individuals cringe in fear.
Big floppy doggy ears?
I particularly find the two verticle protrusions coming from his neck highly arousing. Unfortunately, the good vibrations came to a screeching halt when I showed my favorite kitten who I had a crush on.
The Unit, after recently signing with San Francisco, has been seen wondering the streets at night hoping for a make over gang to attack his face.
3.) John Kruk
Unfortunately one of my favorite phillies from the famed ’93 squad has to make the list for one reason and one reason only. What is that reason you ask? Is it his ugly early 90′s mullet? Nope. Is it his delicious beer belly? Nah. Could it be his chubby little cheeks? Sorry. Could it be the fact that he only has one fucking ball!? Bingo.
I spy with my little eye...
I don’t want to harp on the poor guy too much, he probably lost it in the 93 all-star game when our old friend Randy Johnson whizzed an upper 90 heater right over his head.
Good Luck in all your future endeavours and remember that its ok to be a philly homer next time you are on ESPN.
4.) Willie McGee
I was thinking about adding some ugly greats like David Wells and Mike Piazza, but I think the last two spots should be held by some truly ugly guys.
Willie McGee, despite some obvious disadvantages made a decent career for himself lasting from 1982-1999. One year he even stole 56 bases and batted an impressive .353. However, following his success Willie decided to lay off the uppers and by the looks of it, invested his time in the great green relaxor.
Whoa man, have you ever, like, wondered how many stiches a baseball has?
Yes, Willie, I have. There are 108 double stitches, the last two are hidden. Now you know.
Following McGee’s stellar year he produced only 19 stolen bases and batted an awesomely mediocre .256. As Stoner McGee’s stats went up in smoke, so did his face.
5.) Don Mossi
Don Mossi, south paw hurler, finished his career with an ERA of 3.43, 101 wins, and 50 saves. Not bad, but thats not how he will be remembered. Mossi will forever go down in the record books as the fugliest dude to ever play the game.
He looks sorta like the love child of Yogi the Bear and Brad Garrett, best known for his role as Robert Ramano from “Everybody Loves Raymond”.
Take my big nose and my goofy ears and mix them with...
...my Italian-ness and my loafy clumsyness
and what do you get? Well!? You get this sad monstrosity…
Oh my, Oh no. Make it stop.
There’s not much to say after seeing that sad mug. Ok its all over now. You should probably use a tissue to wipe the eye vomit off before it gets all crusty.
So have you been wondering how your fantasy team has been doing in the World Baseball Classic? Well thanks to the generous donation by our league’s own Lewis Road Light Show, you now can find out.
Check out these sweet graphs…
Oh thats sweet, how bout a little of this?
How bout a little of that?
So Sexy…
Thats some hot action. You all can look forward to updated graphs and even pitcher stats as the Classic continues on. Let me know if there are any graphs you all would like to see by commenting in the comment section.
Check back tomorrow for a new article, The Top 5 Ugliest Players in Baseball.
Thanks to a torn labrum and a cute little cyst of the hip, Alex Rodriguez decide to take a break from the Doubleday squad and work on his getting operated on skills instead.
Here is a graph from the internet that could have been made by me to describe Abna’s situation. Could have been, but wasn’t.
Obviously better to be cool
When asked about any possible moves, Abner replied, “oh well, hopefully he only gets that cyst out and i can just hang onto him and put him back in in may.”
You may.
The worst Blue Steele of all time.
Sources say that A-Rod and his agenst Scott Boras are shopping around for ideas that could possibly decrease the healing time needed.
When asked if he had a word to say to the media, Boras simply replied, “Yes.”
A-Rod himself will address the media later today where he is expected to lie, act smug, twist the truth, be arrogant and to just be an all around douche.
In other news, Manny has signed with the Dodgers which is some much needed good news for good old Abna.
The lowest form of journalism and the height of all geekdom, the fantasy baseball beat reporter. This reporter, however, has a motto, “Take Fantasy and make it….Reality.” That is why I am to be called The Realizer or maybe, The Realifier.
Anyway, apparently some guy who thinks he’s most excellent decided to create a baseball league and all the professional players dropped what they were doing (each other) or taking (muscle candy) and signed up to play. Many players signed the list, but only the elite needed to apply, or in a few cases the almost retired.
*cough* Harkyville Huggers *cough*
Can't even touch his toesies
*cough* Lewis Road Light Show *cough*
Little known fact, Mike Mussina played Wilson on Home Improvement
Welcome to Phantasmagorical Phillies League blog, your source for everything. Everything. You may be thinking, “Hey realdudeizer, where the hell did you come up with this name?” Well lets see if a simple google image search can help straighten that out.
Phantasmagorical…
Creepy cat that has an opacity problem
And, Phillies…
Never saw it coming.
Hope that cleared up any lingering questions about the league name, I guess its time for you to go find an old house with old windows to stand in front of cause its time to get drafted.
The question on everyone’s mind was Who will be taken first and Who would be the douche to take A-Fraud? Would Pujols go first? Howard? Teixera? Carlos Ruiz? NAY I say.
With the 1st pick in the 2009 PPFBD (Phantasmagorical Phillies Fantasy Baseball Draft) The Clitoral Crusaders fingered through the names and out popped Hanley Ramirez. Here is HanHan during the signing…
(hint: not worth watching the whole thing)
When later asked about the signing Hanley responed:
Hanley is glad Hanley signed with the Clitoral Crusaiders. Hanley knows a lot about this team and Hanley knows their style play. Hanley likes thier get down dirty attaboy attitude. Hanley says if there is no grass on the field then Hanley will play in the mud.
MLB.com had been reporting that The Clits would most likely be selecting some Tom, Dick or Harry with their choice, but Hanley seems to fit just right.
Lets not forget about A-Roid, A-Fraud, A-RodinmyassiswhatIlike or whatever he is going by these days. I’m not shedding any tears over his steroidbump in his hip. But he was kind enough to join our league if a team would have him. Unfortunately Mr. Abner Doubleday snagged him with the 6th pick. And that is why this is his…
Sorry Abna
Well I guess the title of this post was a bit misleading, I swear the next post will be much more o-rama-drama filled.
Coming up next: Free Agency Drama, we’ll ask Barry Bonds how it feels to be dropped before the season even started.
Please comment and if you want to add something to the blog yourself just let me know and I’ll post it.
