Top 5 Baseball’s Most Ugliest Players

When it comes to baseball there are some players that might actually look better if they got beat by an ugly stick. What with guys packing their lips and sticking needles in their asses, I’m surprised there are any players in the league as dreamy as Chase Utley.

sigh...

Some players just got the look, while users… don’t.  Those of you with lasik surgery better hope you got it done in Guatemala by a cheap tranny hooker named Dr. Lovemeat because your vision will soon fail and you’ll be lucky enough to miss the carnage that is to follow.

And now, with no further ado, I present to you, in no particular order, a completely non-comprehensive list of Baseball’s ugliest of uglies.

1) Bartolo Colon

Good old Bart started his career 12 years ago with the Cleveland Indians and bounced around through the seasons eventually ending last year on the Boston OMG who the hell put bleach in the wash now we have Pink Sox.

I bet a blond cartoon girl has a crush on him but is mean to his face and calls him basketball head

Weighing in at a hefty 245lbs, Bartolo bears a striking resemblance to his older cousin, Andre The Giant.

Likes to help guys named Wesley who also go by the name of the Dread Pirate Roberts.

I would not want to mess with that family.

2.) Randy “The Unit” Johnson

You can’t have a list of Baseball fugglies without including The Unit.  His hillbilly mullet, red neck and severly acne scared face combined with his 6’10″ lanky spaghetti canon arms is enough to make even the most hardened of individuals cringe in fear.

Big floppy doggy ears?

I particularly find the two verticle protrusions coming from his neck highly arousing. Unfortunately, the good vibrations came to a screeching halt when I showed my favorite kitten who I had a crush on.

The Unit, after recently signing with San Francisco, has been seen wondering the streets at night hoping for a make over gang to attack his face.

3.) John Kruk

Unfortunately one of my favorite phillies from the famed ’93 squad has to make the list for one reason and one reason only.  What is that reason you ask?  Is it his ugly early 90′s mullet? Nope.  Is it his delicious beer belly?  Nah.  Could it be his chubby little cheeks?  Sorry.  Could it be the fact that he only has one fucking ball!? Bingo.

I spy with my little eye...

I don’t want to harp on the poor guy too much, he probably lost it in the 93 all-star game when our old friend Randy Johnson whizzed an upper 90 heater right over his head.  

Good Luck in all your future endeavours and remember that its ok to be a philly homer next time you are on ESPN.

4.) Willie McGee

I was thinking about adding some ugly greats like David Wells and Mike Piazza, but I think the last two spots should be held by some truly ugly guys.

Willie McGee, despite some obvious disadvantages made a decent career for himself lasting from 1982-1999.  One year he even stole 56 bases and batted an impressive .353.  However, following his success Willie decided to lay off the uppers and by the looks of it, invested his time in the great green relaxor.

Whoa man, have you ever, like, wondered how many stiches a baseball has?

Yes, Willie, I have.  There are 108 double stitches, the last two are hidden.  Now you know.

Following McGee’s stellar year he produced only 19 stolen bases and batted an awesomely mediocre .256.  As Stoner McGee’s stats went up in smoke, so did his face.

5.) Don Mossi

Don Mossi, south paw hurler, finished his career with an ERA of 3.43, 101 wins, and 50 saves. Not bad, but thats not how he will be remembered.  Mossi will forever go down in the record books as the fugliest dude to ever play the game.

He looks sorta like the love child of Yogi the Bear and Brad Garrett, best known for his role as Robert Ramano from “Everybody Loves Raymond”.

 

Take my big nose and my goofy ears and mix them with...

 

...my Italian-ness and my loafy clumsyness

and what do you get?   Well!?  You get this sad monstrosity…

 

Oh my, Oh no. Make it stop.

There’s not much to say after seeing that sad mug.  Ok its all over now. You should probably use a tissue to wipe the eye vomit off before it gets all crusty.