My proposition is nothing sort than a total revamping of the regular season and playoff system. Why do we need change?

1.) The smaller market teams have a tough time competing.  They can’t compete because they don’t have enough money, they don’t have enough money because they don’t have enough fans, they don’t have enough fans because they can’t compete, they can’t compete because they don’t have enough money, they don’t have enough money because they don’t have enough fans, they don’t have enough fans because they…

2.) The current playoff system doesn’t necessarily include the top teams.  With the winner of a division getting an automatic bid and with a skewed schedule towards your division it is tough to tell who really are the top teams and who should really make the playoffs.

Therefore, to solve this issue I propose a 3 stage process.

Stage 1: Split up all the divisions so there are 5 in each league and make sure that each division has 3 teams. Currently 1 team from the NL would have to switch to the AL to make the leagues and all divisions even in number.  However, I broke it down even further and split the teams into division by location and if multiple teams had to switch leagues then so be it.  The exact composition of the divisions isn’t the important part but this is how I suggest since I believe rivalries are one of the best parts of baseball. Taking advantage of location and the small number of teams in the divisions would only serve to provide extremely heated rivals.  Awesome!

The first stage of the season will last for 108 games (2/3 of the season).  The schedule will be set up so each team plays everyone in their league an equal amount of times to be as fair as possible (none of that gimmicky interleague shaz). The remaining 54 games will be stage 2.

Stage 2: After the first 108 games, division play is over. Enter stage left, the group stage.  Each league will then split into 3 groups.  Group 1 will be all the winners of each division.  If we assume that the table above is also the rankings of each division then group 1 will consist of the Phillies, Marlins, Dodgers, Cardinals and the Reds. Group 2 will consist of the 2nd place teams and group 3 will be made up of the last place teams.  Here is what the groups would look like for each league…

Group Hug!

Now here is where it gets interesting, the playoff race.  All records are wiped clean.  They are gone, gone like Michael Jackson.  For the final 54 games (mandatory that the final count down play after each game whilst in this stage), group 1 will only play groups 2 and 3.  Group 2 will only play groups 3 and 1.  Group 3 will only play groups 1 and 2.

The word group starts to look weird after typing it so many times, group group grop, grope.  Grope, err group!

Anyway, this means that the Phillies will not play the Marlins for the rest of the season because they are both in group 1.  The schedules are reset accordingly and the 4 teams at the end of Stage 2 with the best record (stage 2 record only) will make the playoffs.

The group stage rewards the better teams by giving them the gift of not playing other better teams while at the same time giving a team that would normally have nothing to play for a real chance to start their season anew and give their fans a chance to care.

Stage 3: Playoffs as usual.  The top two teams (determined by Stage 2 record) will have home field advantage for the first round and so on until the World Series.

This system that I am now dubbing….. grouphug (1 word) will solve both issues with the current system. Issue 1, it will allow for a greater chance that the better team will indeed make the playoffs instead of a winner of a weak division that will easily get eliminated from the first round.  It is fair in that it rewards the teams that play better for the majority of the season but it is also fair that if a team from group 3 plays well enough then they prove that they are infact the better team and they will make the playoffs instead of another team.

It also solves issue 2.  When the phillies played the pirates, there were more phillies fans than pirate fans.  When I went to an Orioles-Blue Jays game it was the lowest attended game in Orioles history.  Why because niether team had any chance of making the playoffs.  It will give the fans a reason to care and go to the games because their team will actually have a chance rather than already being eliminated.

Finally….tada!

Now, discuss.

Team Captain*: Ryan Howard (2nd overall), Acting Captain** – Raul Ibanez (65th overall drafted by The Clitorla Cruisaders, 9th round)

First in the league in…:RBIs (556), Double Plays Turned (317), Blown Saves (11), Longest Current Win Streak (5)

Clitoral Cruisaders

Team Captain: Hanley Ramirez (1st overall), Acting Captain – Justin Morneau (17th overall, 3rd round)

First in the league in…: Homers (168), Total Bases (1631), Wild Pitches (35), Balks (6), Wins (56), Points For (7133)

Abner Doubleday

Team Captain: Alex Rodriquez (6th overall), Acting Captain -Prince Fielder (11th overall, 2nd round)

First in the league in…: The bad kind of strikeouts (656), Saves (53)

I’d Lincecum on Eva”n” Longoria

Team Captain: Jimmy Rollins (5th overall), Acting Captain – Robinson Cano (124th overall wowza!, 16th round)

First in the league in…: 1B (630), 3B (21), Sacrifice Flys (48), Stolen Bases (124), Holds (2)

Most Excellent

Team Captain: David Wright (4th overall), Acting Captain – Ian Kinsler (13th overall, 2nd round)

First in the league in…: Runs (533), 2B (216), Walks (429), Hit for the Cycle (1), Errors (53), Innings Pitched (873.1), The good kind of Strikeouts (712), Quality Starts (76), Losses (55)

Harkyville Huggers

Team Captain: Albert Pujols (3rd overall), Acting Captain – Albert Pujols (3rd overall, 1st round)

First in the league in…: Outfield Assists (25), Earned Runs (417)

I Swear Its That Big

Team Captain: Miguel Cabrera (8th overall), Acting Captain – Zack Grienke (72nd overall, 9th round)

First in the league in…: Errors (53), Complete Games (11)

Lewis Road Light Show

Team Captain: Chase Utley (10th overall), Former Captain – Mark Teixeira (7th overall *Traded*), Acting Captain – Roy Halladay (23rd overall, 3rd round)

First in the league in…: Hits Allowed (889), Holds (2), Points Against (6683), Moves Made (49)

*   *   *

Introducing Miss Misquoted:

A) Cholly: Everyone can suck my saggy nuts
B) JRoll: …should be that way.
C) Cholly: My team will come back with a vengence this week, hard.
D) JRoll: mmmmm [Cholly]…i like when you give it hard!
E) Cholly: [JRoll], I miss the drip.
F) JRoll: I’m in [Cholly's] room right now and he’s licking on [Howard's] testes
G) Howard: now [Cholly]is gargling [JRoll's]
H) Cholly: baseball play[er]s need to grow some balls.
I) Cholly: I’m just feeling extra nice this week.

How it works: I took a bunch of random quotes, either from the cbox chat or the smackboards, and threw them together to form a conversation between Charlie Manuel, Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Howard.  Your job is to correctly attribute every quote to the correct person. I have removed all of our names from the quote which has been indicated by the [brackets].

Reward: Two things.  You will get one of the sweet ass sweet tropheys, woohoo!  But you will also earn the right for me to push through your next trade whenever you want me to without having to wait the standard 2 days (Gregs, I’m looking at you).

Email me your answers: MHoff@udel.edu

Indicate which line you are attributing which quote to in alphabetical order as labeled above.  The first player to email and correctly attibute all the lines wins!  Go At It!!!!
Also!!!!: Check out the song and slide show I made of the OBX trip using Jim and Margaret’s pics.

http://tinyurl.com/obxslideshow

Pooh Holes (482): Leads the way in scoring proving that he should have been the number 1 pick over Hanley “Not Manny” Ramirez and Ryan “Golden Glove” Howard.

Hurlers: Top drafted pitcher Tim Lincecum  is currently tied in 5th place for points (356). Top point getter Roy Halladay is injured but currently listed as DTD and the fact that I just don’t believe Grienke can sustain his insane pace and ERA, I fully expect these pitchers to come back down to earth while  Timmy Boy begins to move up in the rankings.

Biggest Bust: Its hard to charge a first or second rounder the title of biggest bust this early in the season and is pretty meaningless to do so, but I’m gonna do it anyway.  Jimmy Rollins, the number 5 pick would get the call with his putride start to the season, but I fully expect him to pick up the pace.  Therefore I’ll stick the crown of shame firmly on the greasy dreads of New York Mets’ SS Jose “excessive handshake” Reyes.  I’m cool with him staying injured for the rest of the season.

Late Round Quality: There have been many exciting surprises this year for late round picks but two guys take the cake.  For the pitchers, selected in the final round was Chris Carpenter who is averaging 28.1 points per outting and would be among the top pitchers if it weren’t for a brief stint on the DL.  For batters the obvious pick is Adam “don’t call me Pacman” Jones selected in the 26th round.  This small time name is having a big time year with a .326 average and 11 homers.

Interleague Play (yea we go both ways): Obvious tip of the day, mind the DH.  This goes for both NL and AL teams.  If you got a DH playing at an NL park, might be smart to bench him.  If someone like the Phils are playing in an AL park, might wanna pick up a guy like Matt Stairs for the series.

Gregs: This league has integrity.

Replay in Baseball: Use it.

Baseball: I love it.

Who will be opening up the season for the third consecutive year?  None ofter than the leader of the Redneck Wrecking Crew himself…

Whats good, Brett?

Good luck and good fantasying to all.

Did Victorino think the WBC would help prepare him for the regular season?

No Questions Asked.

No. Questions. Asked.  These reporters just don’t get it.  How many times does he have to tell them?  NQA.

So how did your players fair on the world stage? Did they serve your team proud?  Hopefully thats a NQA.  Is A-Rod still a douche? Thats an emphatic NQA.

Thanks to our friend, Jimmy K for putting the stats together.

The Teams. There's no "I" in Cucumber Melon.

Whoa that graph is 3d, kinda.Nothing special, just average.

25lbs Rib Eye steaks I eat.

Wait, there are errands in baseball?

Eww, Raunchy Assrape. ERA, shame on you whoever is leading this category.

You're Fucking Out.

One week away from opening day, I hope everyone is getting excited and getting their team ready.  And remember, I don’t want to hear anyone asking Victorino anymore questions, he’s obviously sick of it.

Check Ch-Check Ch-Check it out.

Whats up Playa?

Are you my team?

Hit me.

Hit me again.

Damn 22, bust.

Are you a pitcher or a catcher?

If my penis was a graph of my fantasy team, it would be this one.

SteeeeeeeeeeeeeeRIKE!

Classic.

Check back for future updates.

sigh...

Some players just got the look, while users… don’t.  Those of you with lasik surgery better hope you got it done in Guatemala by a cheap tranny hooker named Dr. Lovemeat because your vision will soon fail and you’ll be lucky enough to miss the carnage that is to follow.

And now, with no further ado, I present to you, in no particular order, a completely non-comprehensive list of Baseball’s ugliest of uglies.

1) Bartolo Colon

Good old Bart started his career 12 years ago with the Cleveland Indians and bounced around through the seasons eventually ending last year on the Boston OMG who the hell put bleach in the wash now we have Pink Sox.

I bet a blond cartoon girl has a crush on him but is mean to his face and calls him basketball head

Weighing in at a hefty 245lbs, Bartolo bears a striking resemblance to his older cousin, Andre The Giant.

Likes to help guys named Wesley who also go by the name of the Dread Pirate Roberts.

I would not want to mess with that family.

2.) Randy “The Unit” Johnson

You can’t have a list of Baseball fugglies without including The Unit.  His hillbilly mullet, red neck and severly acne scared face combined with his 6’10″ lanky spaghetti canon arms is enough to make even the most hardened of individuals cringe in fear.

Big floppy doggy ears?

I particularly find the two verticle protrusions coming from his neck highly arousing. Unfortunately, the good vibrations came to a screeching halt when I showed my favorite kitten who I had a crush on.

The Unit, after recently signing with San Francisco, has been seen wondering the streets at night hoping for a make over gang to attack his face.

3.) John Kruk

Unfortunately one of my favorite phillies from the famed ’93 squad has to make the list for one reason and one reason only.  What is that reason you ask?  Is it his ugly early 90′s mullet? Nope.  Is it his delicious beer belly?  Nah.  Could it be his chubby little cheeks?  Sorry.  Could it be the fact that he only has one fucking ball!? Bingo.

I spy with my little eye...

I don’t want to harp on the poor guy too much, he probably lost it in the 93 all-star game when our old friend Randy Johnson whizzed an upper 90 heater right over his head.  

Good Luck in all your future endeavours and remember that its ok to be a philly homer next time you are on ESPN.

4.) Willie McGee

I was thinking about adding some ugly greats like David Wells and Mike Piazza, but I think the last two spots should be held by some truly ugly guys.

Willie McGee, despite some obvious disadvantages made a decent career for himself lasting from 1982-1999.  One year he even stole 56 bases and batted an impressive .353.  However, following his success Willie decided to lay off the uppers and by the looks of it, invested his time in the great green relaxor.

Whoa man, have you ever, like, wondered how many stiches a baseball has?

Yes, Willie, I have.  There are 108 double stitches, the last two are hidden.  Now you know.

Following McGee’s stellar year he produced only 19 stolen bases and batted an awesomely mediocre .256.  As Stoner McGee’s stats went up in smoke, so did his face.

5.) Don Mossi

Don Mossi, south paw hurler, finished his career with an ERA of 3.43, 101 wins, and 50 saves. Not bad, but thats not how he will be remembered.  Mossi will forever go down in the record books as the fugliest dude to ever play the game.

He looks sorta like the love child of Yogi the Bear and Brad Garrett, best known for his role as Robert Ramano from “Everybody Loves Raymond”.

Take my big nose and my goofy ears and mix them with...

...my Italian-ness and my loafy clumsyness

and what do you get?   Well!?  You get this sad monstrosity…

Oh my, Oh no. Make it stop.

There’s not much to say after seeing that sad mug.  Ok its all over now. You should probably use a tissue to wipe the eye vomit off before it gets all crusty.

Check out these sweet graphs…

Oh thats sweet, how bout a little of this?

How bout a little of that?

So Sexy…

Thats some hot action.  You all can look forward to updated graphs and even pitcher stats as the Classic continues on. Let me know if there are any graphs you all would like to see by commenting in the comment section.

Check back tomorrow for a new article, The Top 5 Ugliest Players in Baseball.

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3954457

Here is a graph from the internet that could have been made by me to describe Abna’s situation. Could have been, but wasn’t.

Obviously better to be cool

When asked about any possible moves, Abner replied, “oh well, hopefully he only gets that cyst out and i can just hang onto him and put him back in in may.”

You may.

The worst Blue Steele of all time.

Sources say that A-Rod and his agenst Scott Boras are shopping around for ideas that could possibly decrease the healing time needed.

When asked if he had a word to say to the media, Boras simply replied, “Yes.”

A-Rod himself will address the media later today where he is expected to lie, act smug, twist the truth, be arrogant and to just be an all around douche.

In other news, Manny has signed with the Dodgers which is some much needed good news for good old Abna.

Anyway, apparently some guy who thinks he’s  most excellent decided to create a baseball league and all the professional players dropped what they were doing (each other) or taking (muscle candy) and signed up to play.  Many players signed the list, but only the elite needed to apply, or in a few cases the almost retired.  

*cough* Harkyville Huggers *cough*

Can't even touch his toesies

*cough* Lewis Road Light Show *cough*

Little known fact, Mike Mussina played Wilson on Home Improvement

Welcome to Phantasmagorical Phillies League blog, your source for everything. Everything.  You may be thinking, “Hey realdudeizer, where the hell did you come up with this name?”   Well lets see if a simple google image search can help straighten that out.

Phantasmagorical…

Creepy cat that has an opacity problem

And, Phillies…

Never saw it coming.

Hope that cleared up any lingering questions about the league name, I guess its time for you to go find an old house with old windows to stand in front of cause its time to get drafted.

The question on everyone’s mind was Who will be taken first and Who would be the douche to take A-Fraud?  Would Pujols go first?  Howard?  Teixera? Carlos Ruiz?  NAY I say.  

With the 1st pick in the 2009 PPFBD (Phantasmagorical Phillies Fantasy Baseball Draft) The Clitoral Crusaders fingered through the names and out popped Hanley Ramirez.  Here is HanHan during the signing…

(hint: not worth watching the whole thing)

When later asked about the signing Hanley responed:

Hanley is glad Hanley signed with the Clitoral Crusaiders.  Hanley knows a lot about this team and Hanley knows their style play.  Hanley likes thier get down dirty attaboy attitude.  Hanley says if there is no grass on the field then Hanley will play in the mud.

MLB.com had been reporting that The Clits would most likely be selecting some Tom, Dick or Harry with their choice, but Hanley seems to fit just right.

Lets not forget about A-Roid, A-Fraud, A-RodinmyassiswhatIlike or whatever he is going by these days.  I’m not shedding any tears over his steroidbump in his hip.  But he was kind enough to join our league if a team would have him.  Unfortunately Mr. Abner Doubleday snagged him with the 6th pick. And that is why this is his…

Sorry Abna

Well I guess the title of this post was a bit misleading, I swear the next post will be much more o-rama-drama filled.  

Coming up next: Free Agency Drama, we’ll ask Barry Bonds how it feels to be dropped before the season even started.

Please comment and if you want to add something to the blog yourself just let me know and I’ll post it.

You Have Just Been Realizedified.